It's a beautiful Sunday. The sun is shining, the sky is this crisp peacock blue, people are out riding their bikes, having picnics and throwing the ol pigskin around.... and me? I am online, refusing to get out of bed and put on pants, because reasons. My hair is doing this curly poof thing that I can't seem to tame, and I feel like the epitome of rachet. I refuse to leave the recesses of my room to be seen by any other members of society. My roommates probably think I am a vampire or some sort of weirdo.
Okay. Okay. They already think I am a weirdo, with my whole aversion to wearing pants around the apartment and my nocturnal habits. Those things aren't helping my image any...
Thank God I don't have a boyfriend. I would have to try to actually look cute and act normal-ish. Hell no thanks! I've learned that being crazy up front scares anyone that could possibly become a bother away and I am free to live my life without pants and limitless Taco Bell! This is the life. Seriously.
All ya'll bitches out there complainin' that you can't get a date or a girlfriend/boyfriend don't have your priorities straight. 80% of my socks are single and you don't see them complaining about it.
I have dating evasion tactics down PAT. How many times can you say, "I don't want a boyfriend." until people actually leave you alone?
Not enough apparently. If people start flirtexting me I sometimes send them pics of Michael Cera until they go away.
See, I'm not used to getting attention from dudes. Most of my friends growing up were guys and when I hung out with them I was always seen as, "one of the guys." So I am familiar with the nasty shit guys do. I'm like the unicorn of the group when they suddenly remember, "Oh yeah! Missy is a girl! Ask her why that chick you're texting wont call you back."
Um. Maybe I'm not the best person to translate girl talk into bro talk. Cause I don't give a shit either way and I don't get me half the time, so how am I supposed to understand some girl I don't even know and explain to you in the most simple of terms that you've been friend-zoned? Sorry brah.
I've had a total of 4 boyfriends in my experience. My dating resume is subpar and to be honest one of those boyfriends doesn't really even count cause it was like only 3 months my senior year of high school and I didn't really even like the guy. I just went out with him to placate my friends. When I got sick of him trying to hold my hand all the time, I dumped him with the clichéd "it's not you it's me. I'm just so busy with school that I don't have time for a boyfriend, but let's still be friends!" shpeel.
Yeaaaah I don't know what the hell I am doing half the time.
I had a rule that I only kissed boys if they were my boyfriend and my second boyfriend was so terrified of me punching him in the throat that it took him 6 months to finally grow the balls to kiss me. (That was after I confronted him and demanded to know why he hadn't kissed me yet after dating for 6 freaking months.) What? I'm blunt okay? And I don't have time to play those stupid games. Eff that! So all in all I had only kissed 4 boys my entire life. Something I didn't really like telling people cause I got teased for being a prude growing up.
So. Fast forward to Mexico. I'm with my volunteer group (consisting of only girls) and after about a week Mauriah gets bored and is like, "Guys. I would like to propose a game. A contest of sorts."
And me, I'm the most competitive person out there and I'm just freaking stoked to actually be doing something besides crying into my Learn Spanish Now! book every night. So I'm like- "I'm in! What's the game?"
"The person that kisses the most Mexicans at the end of this semester wins."
....
I'm deadpan over here like, are you freaking kidding me. I can't even talk to a cute guy at the store without stuttering like an idiot. You expect me to kiss someone I can't even talk to with in the same language?? Insta-fail.
I look at the other girls thinking that they would be less than enthused about this game too, but they were all nodding their heads going, "A prize. We need a prize for the winner." "Make it churros!" "Yeah! A whole bag of churros!"
, Fate
Screams internally.
I'm over here like a fish opening and closing my mouth freaking out inside cause there is no way in hell I can play this Mile High Mexico game. And if we play I know I am going to have to win and I just don't even know how I am even going to do it.
"It's decided. The person that kisses the most Mexicans wins a bag of churros."
And just like that. My fate was decided.
