Drugs-the good, the bad and the fugly

I know it's late and I really should be sleeping, but for some odd reason my body is saying no to sleep at the moment. So, I'm taking advantage of this laps of sanity and writing what first came to my mind as I lay here in my current state...

I wish I had that laughing gas drug the dentist gave me the other day to help me sleep.

Seriously though! That stuff is like grade A excellontae drugs! When I first came to the office- after finally being freed from my braces that I'd been imprisoned with the last three and a half freaking years of my life- I was relieved to have the dentist appointment out of the way. But upon further investigation the result showed up positive. My toothbrush couldn't reach certain parts of my teeth that my braces blocked and I was labeled caviticious.

Epic sigh.

So in I came a couple weeks later back to the tortuous place of my childhood. The minute I walked in I was greeted by...the smell. You know the one, super clean-like the doctors office-but it has that underlying scent of DENTIST. It immediately had my legs trembling.

I am such a pansy.

I sat down and started flipping through a magazine, not really reading the pages, just praying to God that I wasn't the next victim to be called past The Door. When The Door did open, the person called was some poor kid who looked a little green around the edges.

I felt bad, but I was so glad it wasn't me.

As time ticked by I realized I would be called eventually. That's when I started to pray for courage and full mouth paralysis so I didn't have to feel the shot. My prayer was answered in the most strange way!

Drugs. And they were LEGAL!

As I shakily sat down on The Chair I couldn't help but think that cruel and unusual punishment went against my rights as an American Individual. Then, the nice nurse lady asked me if I wanted the gas. I was like, sure why not?

How could I have missed this stuff?

Holy freaking cow! She put this huge nose thing on my face that pushed this yummy smelling berry air up my nose. At first I kinda freaked out at this monstrosity on my face, but then the drugs kicked in....

I was gazing at the ceiling thinking about how much it reminded me of the coral reef in Australia. Then I thought, I want to go there and see SpongeBob in real life! He's my friend...everyone is my friend!

That's when the giggles started.

I see now why they call it laughing gas.

I was trying to keep it quiet, but I couldn't stop giggling! I was floating on a cloud, but my body felt like lead. I was a real life oxymoron! More giggles came from that thought too. I lay there tripping out and starting to fall asleep when I heard The Dentist sneak in. Immediately I was awake, thinking about the shot and how scared I was before. But the gas was making my brain all foggy, I couldn't move right, or think straight. What was the dentist again? Who was I? And where did SpongeBob go? That coward!

Then there was the pain. The never ending "little twinge" that came with the horrendous needle. I started to whimper due to my loss of inhibitions. The nice nurse lady started baby talking me. "It's alright, you're doing a great! Good job!"

Gosh, it's a darn good thing I'm drugged right now or I'd stuff this needle down your gums. I couldn't help but think. I'm not a child. Then, I felt a little guilty cause in my drugged state, the encouragement kind of helped. With her nice child-like words I felt a little better.

I could do this! I was drugged and thus I was invincible! Yeah!

I closed my eyes and just road the wave until it was all over. The only problem when I woke up was how to get my next fix and learning how to walk again....

Walls aren't yielding nice things.

Sigh. I could use another hit.

The curse of the temporarily out of service computer

So, I've been sitting here at the UVU computer lab typing my paper for my next class and watching the most amusing things happen. Behind me lurks the computer that -in all appearances -SEEMS to be a working functioning and normal computer, but it really isn't. You can tell that it is, in fact, broken by the HUGE paper taped to the monitor.

It reads: This Computer is Temporarily out of Service. Thanks for your patience.

Then there is a picture at the bottom of a computer exploding and some stick man taking a hammer to the hard drive.

Insert snicker number one here.

This alone cracked me up for a second, but I remained nonplussed and continued to type. Soon, the entire lab filled with students. More came and stood, waiting, for a computer to open. That’s when I started to notice the defective computer curse….

It first started with this highly eccentric guy. He loped down the aisle and grabbed the seat, not even remotely aware that the computer he was sitting in front of had a huge sign screaming: malfunction. When he finally opened his eyes to his brain, he got this “Oh….I feel stupid look” I’ve come to recognize from the other victims that were drawn into this curse too. Of course, he got up and left to look for another computer that actually WORKED. I giggled silently to myself and resumed my paper.

Insert loud snicker number two.

Then only a few short seconds later ANOTHER guy, not wanting to wait for everyone else who was waiting BEFORE him for a computer, made a beeline to the Out of Service machine. This one however didn’t sit down first, he just pulled out the chair…paused….registered…t

hen began talking to himself. “Oh, this computer doesn’t work. Okay…”

Duh, now go wait in line until it’s your turn, you retard. I couldn’t help but think. Maybe get some pills too so you stop talking to those imaginary people no one else but you is seeing.

Each time a person came to the computer- elation filling their faces at the prospect of obtaining a computer without waiting- they were totally shot down.

How could they not notice the huge sign? Couldn’t they read? This is college right?
It doesn’t matter though. I had a nice laugh. They amused me and that alone is pleasing.

Missy's Mad Driving Skills!

So as I was driving on the freeway this afternoon to register the car in Provo, I had an epiphany.

People have no clue how to drive.

I also realized another thing. When I get behind the wheel and am alone in the car-I am a demon from Hell.

I wasn't always this way! Oh no! I used to be such a good and peaceful driver. But it's almost as if there is this road rage bug that lurks in the steering wheel of each and every car- waiting for you to grasp the wheel-then it bites you. I think the one in the Honda I drive has extra venom, because I seem to get it extra bad. I can control myself-mostly-when others are in the car, but when I'm alone..Hoo boy! It's like someone released the beast!

It's not like I'm a person with really bad road rage. I mean, my sister Savannah is so scary I have to duck when we pass cars for fear I'll get the bullet to the chest and not her.

Moving right along!

When people act retarded as they're driving-like going too slow for my taste-I'll usually pass them. Illegally if I must. I'll give them mean glares and yes, yell at them. Maybe the usage of a certain finger on rare occasion if warranted, but that’s it!

I think.

However! I don’t think it’s just me! I’ve seen some of the strongest people fall to this road rage bug of death! It comes from nowhere, hiding in your steering wheel, waiting…

Then SNAP! They have snapped!

Maybe there are just too many stupid people that the DMV give licenses to. I think they just want the money! They don’t care about our safety on the streets!
They don’t care that people driving on the ramp to get on the freeway only go thirty five! They don’t care that people stop at Stop Sign Ahead signs!
They abso-freaking-lutely don’t give a crap that Mormon Minivans should not be allowed on public streets!

But, just think, when you are frustrated at the car in front of you and want to wave that select finger high.

God is watching you.

But take comfort in the fact that I’m probably doing the same scream-age in my car somewhere too.

Olive Garden Blunders. Be not alarmed!

So, as I sit here, wasting precious time on facebook, I decided to do something constructive. I have decided to write down all of my crazy blunders that happen to me while I'm working at Olive Garden. However, not just my own blunders, but blunders of my coworkers as well. He he he... (Evil laugh)

Firstly, Olive Garden seems to take over your mind the minute you are hired. It becomes your life. It becomes your very SOUL.

Just thought I'd let you in on that small detail.

Well, let me think. Oh yeah! You know those times when you see a person and you can't tell if it's a guy or a girl? And it bugs you for the rest of the day? We get people like that who come in to the OG. The problem is, as a host, you're supposed to engage in delightful conversation with them and be all bouncy and chipper!

It's hard to be bouncy and chipper when you're trying not to stare at them for too long figuring out what gender they are.

When they respond to a question you ask them like- "Isn't the weather just LOVELY?" *Quick stare/turn* The hope of, Yes! I can tell by the voice if it's a male or female whatever, rises only to be dashed when you can't tell at all! It's like a unisex voice! This complex problem makes me sweat just thinking about it.

My cute coworker, Ashley, accidentally mistook a girl for a guy once. We totally thought she was a HE also, but poor Ashley got to seat him-I mean HER. When she handed a menu to the woman across from the she-man she said, "Here you are ma'am." When she handed the she-man the menu, she said, "Here you are sir." When she scuttled back to the host stand she realized her mistake. The sir wasn't really a sir. We were all laughing-quietly of course. Sigh. Oh Ashley. My favorite.

One time I was cleaning a table and picked up a black book that had a cash tip in it. I didn't realize it had coins, so when I over eagerly picked it up, a quarter went flying out of it, only to land in the plate of a table behind me. I was mortified. Part of me wanted to just run away like it never happened, but I had to go and clean up the mess I made. The table thought I was pretty funny, but my face was burning from embarrassment.

I've been replacing paper towels in the bathroom when guys have walked in thinking it is the men's bathroom. The look that they get on their faces...so funny.

I never forget a face. So when I see people I recognize I always go: "Hey! I know you!" They never seem to remember me, because they always give me freaked out looks. Sigh.

There was an older lady who was waiting for- who I thought was her husband- to park. I told her I could take her to the table and direct her husband to where she was. She gave me this look and said, It's my son. The sad thing is, the son looked as old as her and could totally be her hubby.

Once, I was seating this couple and the woman and I started teasing date/boyfriend/husband/wha

tever. We were teasing him how men have selective memory loss and hearing. It was pretty funny. I went back to get something from another table when I saw that the woman was gone. I shook my head and said, "So she left ya huh?" He smiled and replied, "No, she's in the bathroom." I laughed and said, "So that's what they're calling it these days!" He gives me this scared look and mumbles: "Actually this is our first date and I'm scared out of my mind!" I felt so bad!

One day, I brought in a pen that shocks you and strategically placed it around places that ToGo! Specialists or managers would use it. It was so funny seeing the different people get shocked and throw the pen across the restaurant!

Sometimes I hide by the doors and scare people walking in. I scared the pants off my manager Blake! Ha ha! I've never seen someone move that fast before!

Brittany H. and I sometimes break out into song or dance when we're not on a wait and the front is empty. People walk by and see us. It's slightly embarrassing, but at least it's entertaining right?

Walmart Woes: I mean, seriously?! Come on!

Today as I was waiting in line for the self check out I came to the realization that some people should NOT under ANY circumstances be allowed to do the self check out. I'm not even kidding you. I was behind two people. TWO. Who barely had anything in their carts, but the person proceeding through the check out was like a 95 year old man who has no idea how to use electronics.

This should have been the first red flag that this small Walmart jaunt would take me a lifetime. But no. I had to remain stubborn and stay in the line thinking: "Oh it'll be alright. It wont take that long. The person in front of me only has a few items and she's only slightly gray. It'll be good." Foolish thoughts of a naive girl. I am no longer an innocent of the Walmart Self Checkout.

After the old man FINALLY teetered away with his cart- that was keeping him standing and walking he was that old- the woman in front of me started to scan her items. Only a few.

I was so relieved, but when she started scanning the first of like six sets of plastic knives I noticed something dead wrong. She would grab it very slowly with one hand, look for the bar code then scan. Grab the next set of the EXACT SAME ITEM. Look all over it for the bar code. Then scan. After the third I could not believe she couldn't remember where the freaking bar code was! She looked every time! I mean hello! It's in the same spot as the others you just scanned.

When she moved on the the four cans of green beans I knew I was in for a show. *Reach....Grab...Turn...Lo

ok...Look...Look AGAIN, then scan!* This happened four times. I actually started laughing! I tried to remain quiet, but I just couldn't help it! This was so ridiculous it was funny!

To get the last few sets of cans she had to reach all the way over her cart and attempt to grab them. Like super stretch. I almost wanted to tell her about the wondrous green button that can actually move the black thing we set items down on! But, no. I didn't. I saved that piece of information for myself. Ha! Take that Walmart Woman of Bewilderment!

I just broke up with Snow...

This evening -as I was running up to my front door in a cute pair of flats I just purchased at Forever Young- I realized something. I HATE THE FREAKING SNOW. I did not realized this though until I started chanting "I hate the snow" Over and over as I lept from one footstep to another to keep snow out of my shoes. I did not succeed in this mission. Snow has a mind of it's own.

What is the point of snow after December 25th? I mean seriously? By November I'm all sledded out and what not, so just waiting for Christmas keeps the snow exciting. Snow and I were best friends then. Maybe even lovers. But now...I'm done! It's OVER between us! This madness must end! It's as if the White Witch took my beloved friend and turned it against me! I'm constantly slipping and falling. Shivering has become a sport of some kind and I can't feel my toes despite how many socks I wear. My nose is a leaky faucet and my jeans have white lines as the bottoms from all the salt! Why? WHY CAN'T THIS END!?! This agony is taking over my life! The snow balls, the sheets of ice, the boots....MUST DIE AT THE HANDS OF SPRING'S CLAWS!

I'm not normally like this: violent. I really am not....unless you make me mad. But, hoo boy am I mad! This is an outrage! I'm sick of being pelted by snowballs, freezing my knickers off as I walk to and from my house to the car. Whatever cuteness and magical-ness Winter's snow had....is GONE. G. O. N. E!!!

From now on I am protesting winter! Give me warm temperatures or give me death!

The top 4 people to be trapped on a deserted island with.

So, I was having a sleepover with my cute cousin Chealsea and we made this list that I thought was pretty funny. Because here I am an 18 year old and I share some of the same views as Chealsea- a 12 year old. The list is predominantly boys. What can I say? We ARE girls!

The first one was Edward Cullen. Our reasonings behind this decision was his uber vampire powers to get us off the island. Plus, the fact that he's freaking hott.

The second runner up was the Man VS. Wild Guy off discovery channel. Because he knows how to handle stranded situations -and the fact that we'd get to be on TV on his show helped matters-plus he's pretty decent looking. Ha ha

This one was mostly my idea- okay fine, it was totally my idea. Master Chief. He's freaking awesome and can freaking kick trash. If anything goes down, he's on my team! And he can protect us from danger with that attractive voice he has, oh and his Spartan suit.

The fourth on the list was Jacob Black, cause he's super warm and can crack us up when we're worried and stressed. Plus he can protect us and hunt for food. The actor is pretty good looking too. We'll settle for either one.

Here's a good view into the minds of girls! Ha ha Or just mine and Chealsea's.

To be Continued....